No one has ever returned from the afterlife to give a first-hand report on how things are run up or down there, which means nobody can genuinely dispute my description of that realm as a direct photographic negative of our own. Whatever passes for pristine in our world is filthy over there, and precisely the reverse holds true. In short, Hell is merely our world turned inside out.
Consider Hell, for instance, where every virtue of mortal existence is systematically inverted to accommodate thieves, murderers, architects of global warming, warmongers, fraudsters and politicians. Especially politicians.
Pay close attention to the tale that follows. Naturally, no disclaimer is required, for any discussion regarding Hell and devils must inherently be a work of fiction, innit?
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The Lowest Level Registry’s CEO, Javier Hellstein, was the most well-connected demon in the underworld. He never bothered with torture. Physical agony was horribly inefficient and yielded zero return on investment. Instead, he hosted exclusive retreats on his private tar island.
In Dante’s Inferno, boiling tar was used to punish corrupt politicians. Javier’s tar island was a marvel of modern infernal infrastructure. High-ranking and sitting royal demons, fallen angels and other world leaders gathered there to discuss policy, deregulate global damnation and sample the local delicacies.
It was widely rumored that guests were provided with bespoke, tailored torment suites, though Hellstein’s public relations team maintained the island was simply a sanctuary for high-level networking.
‘We are building bridges,’ Hellstein told the Infernal Senatorium during a brief inquiry into his offshore blacklisted accounts. ‘When a monarch or a supreme court justice visits the island, they are simply engaging in international diplomacy.’
‘And the flight logs?’ asked a mid-level auditor from the Department of Eternal Retribution. ‘The ones showing senior political figures taking private charter flights directly into the lake of fire?’
‘Purely administrative errors,’ Hellstein replied, flashing a smile that revealed the rows of perfectly bleached teeth. ‘The flight logs have been redacted for reasons of national security.’
The scandal really broke when J. Hellstein was mysteriously found non-existent in his high-security sleeping cell, shortly after being arrested on charges of soul-trafficking. The official report from the Guards of the Pit stated that the automated monitoring cameras had experienced a simultaneous technical glitch, the two demon guards on duty had fallen into a centuries-long slumber, and Hellstein had managed to erase his own conceptual existence using a blunt bedsheet.
Nobody in Hell believed it, but everybody agreed it was remarkably convenient.
Three weeks later, the Hellstein Papers were leaked by a rogue whistle-blower. The documents revealed a sprawling network of dark-money shell companies registered outside Hell. World leaders had been trading favourable climate policies for prime real estate in the upper mansions of Pandemonium. Supreme court judges had accepted luxury yacht trips across the River Styx paid for by billionaire arms dealers, claiming the hospitality did not constitute a bribe because the food was served cold.
The public outcry was deafening. Protesters filled the ‘primrose path to the everlasting bonfire,’ demanding full transparency, immediate resignations and systemic reform.
In response, the Infernal Council established a bipartisan ethics committee to thoroughly investigate the leaks. After twenty months of rigorous deliberation, the committee published a three-thousand-page report concluding that while mistakes had certainly been made, no actual rules had been broken, largely because the committee had voted to abolish the rules retroactively.
The Prime Evil, il capo di tutti demoni, held a press conference to address the nation.
‘We have listened to your concerns,’ the Prime Evil announced, leaning into a microphone manufactured by a company owned by his chief donor. ‘Moving forward, we are committing to absolute integrity. We are launching a new independent watchdog, which will be chaired by Hellstein’s former legal counsel. Furthermore, to prevent future breaches of trust, we are making the act of leaking official corruption documents strictly illegal.’
Fifty-one percent of the crowd cheered, relieved that the system was finally working again, while the stock price of the important Investment Groups rose by twelve percent.
