Clark Kenton was, to the casual observer, an exceptionally ordinary civil servant with a mild allergy to pollen and a slight hunch from years of leaning over spreadsheets. To the metropolis, however, he was Titany, the invincible hero who regularly tossed rogue double-decker buses into the Thames to save innocent bystanders.
His invulnerability was not due to cosmic radiation, alien lineage or a radioactive spider. It was entirely due to Lois, his life partner. She was five feet two inches of crisp floral aprons, neatly curled hair and unyielding efficiency. While Clark flew over the megacity absorbing missile strikes, Lois was the real power behind the throne, managing the logistics of being a saviour.
‘Clark, darling, do remember to tuck your cape into the trousers before you fly off,’ Lois said one Monday morning, handing him his packed lunch. ‘Last week it snagged on a weather vane and the dry cleaner charged extra for the fraying.’
‘Yes, my love,’ Clark mumbled, adjusting his domino mask. ‘Dr Dread is threatening to freeze the National Humanity Gallery today.’
‘Well, tell him to do it after two o’clock,’ Lois replied briskly, tidying the breakfast toast crumbs into her hand. ‘The damp squib always ruins the morning traffic, and I have the rug doctor arriving at eleven.’
By noon, Dr Dread had indeed laid siege to the City Cobbled Square with a cryogenic death ray. Titany landed with a dramatic thud that cracked the pavement, swelling his chest to strike a majestic pose. The villain cackled, aiming his weapon directly at the hero’s neck.
Titany did not flinch. He did not flinch because he was wearing the thermal undergarments Lois had knitted from high-density Kevlar yarn and infused with lavender-scented fabric softener. The freeze ray merely imparted a refreshing chill.
‘Is that all you have, villain?’ the local hero bellowed, stepping forward.
Suddenly, a loud screech of brakes interrupted the duel. A bright yellow hatchback mounted the kerb, and Lois popped out holding a Tupperware container and a flask of Earl Grey tea.
‘Clark! You forgot your fruit pastilles!’ she called out, marching right through the battle zone. She turned to Dr Dread, who was staring in baffled silence. ‘And you mate, put that silly ice gun down while people are trying to cross the street. You are kicking up a dreadful draught.’
‘I am the master of Absolute Zero!’ Dr Dread squeaked, lowering his weapon instinctively under her formidable maternal glare.
‘I don’t care if you are the Mayor of Barnsley,’ Lois said, handing Clark his fruits.
Dr Dread surrendered twenty minutes later, mostly because Lois offered him a cucumber sandwich and gently pointed out that his cape clashed horribly with his complexion. Clark flew home shortly after, defeated not by a supervillain, but by the irresistible urge to enjoy a quiet brew poured by the true mastermind of the household.
Put a smile on my face. Thank you.
She sounds a bit like me !