The King sat upon his throne in Greenwich Palace feeling thoroughly overwhelmed. It was not the threat of Spanish invasion that unsettled him, nor was it Cardinal Wolsey\u2019s endless ledger books. It was the sudden horrifying realisation that marrying Catalina de Arag\u00f3n had effectively saddled him with a bewildering network of Spanish relatives.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Specifically, six formidable aunts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018Your Majesty,\u2019 whispered his valet, clutching a velvet doublet with trembling hands. \u2018The noble ladies have arrived from Valladolid to inspect the court. They insist on seeing you at once.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Henry sighed, pulling on his broad silk trousers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018Show them in then, Compton. Let us get this over with.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Before the valet could even turn, the heavy oak doors burst open. In marched six stern women draped in black lace, stiff ruffs and heavy rosary beads. Leading the charge was Aunt Do\u00f1a In\u00e9s, a woman whose glare could sour fresh milk at fifty paces. Behind her came Do\u00f1a Beatriz, Do\u00f1a Teresa, Do\u00f1a Mar\u00eda, Do\u00f1a Luc\u00eda and Aunt Do\u00f1a Juana, who carried a silver flask of holy water like a loaded pistol.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018Enrique,\u2019 Aunt Do\u00f1a In\u00e9s bellowed, her Spanish accent slicing through the cold hall. \u2018You look pale. You are not eating proper broth.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018I am the King of England,\u2019 Henry said, drawing himself up to his full, imposing height. \u2018I eat whole roasted swans for breakfast.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018Nonsense,\u2019 chimed Do\u00f1a Beatriz, stepping forward to poke Henry sharply in the stomach with her fan. \u2018You look soft. And look at these trousers! They are far too loose. A proper royal man wears trousers that keep his posture straight and his mind on God.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Before Henry could protest or call for his royal guard, all six aunts descended upon him like a flock of ravenous crows.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018Hold him still, Beatriz!\u2019 shouted Do\u00f1a Teresa.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018I have the needle and golden thread!\u2019 cried Do\u00f1a Luc\u00eda.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018I shall sprinkle the sacred salt for good luck,\u2019 announced Do\u00f1a Juana, tossing a handful of salt directly down the back of Henry\u2019s collar.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018Wait! Stop! I am the Lord of this land!\u2019 Henry bellowed, scrambling backwards. All six aunts were far more coordinated than the entire French army. Do\u00f1a Mar\u00eda pinned his arms behind his back, Do\u00f1a In\u00e9s seized the waistband of his voluminous Tudor pants, and the remaining four began stowing various trinkets, relics and heavy remedies directly into his deep velvet pockets and trousers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Into the right leg went a heavy silver crucifix, a dried toad\u2019s leg for fertility and two large Seville oranges. Into the left leg went three brass rosaries, a small jar of garlic ointment and a weighty leather-bound prayer book.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018There,\u2019 Do\u00f1a Luc\u00eda declared, slapping his hip with force. \u2018Now you are protected from heresy, bad air and drafty corridors.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Henry stood frozen in the middle of the Great Hall. His pants weighed nearly four stone. Every time he took a step, an orange knocked against his kneecap, the prayer book pinched his thigh, and the silver crucifix chimed like a church bell against his buckle. He sounded like a walking cutlery drawer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018Now,\u2019 Do\u00f1a In\u00e9s said briskly, adjusting her mantilla. \u2018Walk for us, Enrique. Show us your royal stride.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Henry attempted to take a magnificent step forward, but the garlic jar shifted down toward his calf, causing him to hobble sideways like a startled crab. The six aunts clapped in approval, delighted by his newly found humbleness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When Queen Catalina strolled into the hall a few moments later, she found the King of England stuck against a stone pillar, clinking loudly with every breath and glaring at her extended family.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018Catherine!\u2019 Henry gasped, his eyes wide with desperation. \u2018Remove these women at once or I shall dissolve the monasteries!\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She merely smiled, took a sip of her spiced wine and nodded at her relatives.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018They only mean well, my love. Besides, Do\u00f1a Juana says the garlic ointment works wonders for your gout.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Meanwhile, on the Other Six, not so determined as his Aunts-in-Law:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There once was a King short on grace,
Who swapped out his queens at a pace.
Two lost their heads,
Two died in their beds,
One fled and one finished the race.<\/pre>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Leading the charge was Aunt Do\u00f1a In\u00e9s, a woman whose glare could sour fresh milk at fifty paces. Behind her came Do\u00f1a Beatriz, Do\u00f1a Teresa, Do\u00f1a Mar\u00eda, Do\u00f1a Luc\u00eda and Aunt Do\u00f1a Juana, who carried a silver flask of holy water like a loaded pistol<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":4542,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[64,46,123,48,185,13],"tags":[556,235,203,557],"class_list":["post-4541","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-experimental-prose","category-fiction","category-picks","category-poetry","category-satire","category-trails","tag-aunts-in-the-pants","tag-henry-viii","tag-limerick","tag-queen-catherine"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/eurolit.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4541","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/eurolit.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/eurolit.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/eurolit.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/eurolit.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4541"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/eurolit.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4541\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4544,"href":"https:\/\/eurolit.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4541\/revisions\/4544"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/eurolit.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/4542"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/eurolit.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4541"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/eurolit.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4541"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/eurolit.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4541"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}