The afternoon sun hit the vinyl couch at precisely the angle required to make getting up feel like a crime against physics. In the living room of Maisonette 4B, the founding members of the Lazy Club were in peak operational form. This meant they were doing absolutely nothing. Leo was draped across the armchair, his legs dangling over the side while staring at a fly on the ceiling. Marcus occupied the couch with a bag of crisp packets balanced precariously on his chest. Toby, the housemate who had technically initiated the club by refusing to unpack his moving boxes for eight months, lay flat on the rug.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018The remote is on the TV stand,\u2019 Marcus murmured. His voice lacked the energy to carry across the room.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018It\u2019s a whole metre away,\u2019 Leo replied, not moving a muscle. \u2018Just use the app on your phone.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018My phone is on the kitchen counter.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Silence reclaimed the room. The television remained stuck on a desperation-filled pitch for a specialised vegetable slicer that none of them would ever buy, let alone use.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Lazy Club was not born out of a desire to rebel. It was born out of pure, unadulterated efficiency. Why expend energy today when you could expend it tomorrow, or better yet, never? They had optimised their lives for minimal exertion. They bought shirts that did not wrinkle. They ordered groceries online, specifically choosing the delivery window where the courier would bring them up the stairs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A sharp knock at the door shattered the peace. All three men froze. Toby closed his eyes, pretending to be a piece of furniture.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018Are we expecting anyone?\u2019 Leo whispered.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018If we do not move, they will think we are dead,\u2019 Marcus whispered back.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The knock came again, louder this time. Then, a voice called out, \u2018Delivery for 4B! I need a signature!\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Marcus groaned.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018Toby, it is your turn to get the door.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018I got it last week,\u2019 Toby mumbled into the carpet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018You answered the buzzer, but you did not open the door. Leo did that.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018Opening the door is higher cardio,\u2019 Leo argued. \u2018I am still recovering.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The delivery driver knocked a third time, sounding annoyed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018Guys, I can see your shadows through the window.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
With a collective sigh of defeat, Marcus used the momentum of his own weight to rock himself forward into a sitting position. He dragged his feet across the lino and cracked the door open. The driver handed him a clipboard and a massive, heavy cardboard box.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018Sign here.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Marcus scribbled something that resembled a flatlining pulse and dragged the box inside, letting it drop with a heavy thud.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018What is it?\u2019 Leo asked, rolling his head over.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Marcus looked at the label.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018It is from my uncle. He said he was sending a vintage hand-pumped espresso machine. Says it makes the best coffee in the world.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Toby finally sat up, staring at the box with horror.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018Hand-pumped? As in manual labour?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018For a single cup,\u2019 Marcus confirmed, staring blankly at the package.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The three of them stared at the box. It sat in the middle of the living room, a monument to effort. To open it meant finding scissors. To use it meant grinding beans by hand, boiling water manually and cleaning individual parts. It was an artefact from a world they actively avoided.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018We cannot put it away,\u2019 Leo pointed out. \u2018The cupboard is full of the exercise bike we bought three years ago.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018We cannot leave it here,\u2019 Toby said. \u2018It is blocking the direct path from the couch to the bathroom. That adds three extra steps to my journey.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Marcus looked at the box, then at his friends and finally at the television stand where the remote still sat out of reach. A spark of tactical genius ignited in his mind. He walked over to the kitchen, grabbed a permanent marker and wrote two words on the top of the cardboard box in large, bold letters:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
FOOT \u042fEST<\/strong><\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Marcus dragged the box over to the edge of the couch. He sat back down, kicked his legs up and rested his ankles perfectly on the top of the unopened espresso machine. Leo looked at it, nodded in deep approval and shifted his weight to get comfortable again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2018Perfect,\u2019 Toby said, laying his head back down on the rug. \u2018Problem solved.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n The on-screen teleshopping changed to a standard programming loop, but nobody cared. The Lazy Club had defended its title, and the afternoon was saved.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The afternoon sun hit the vinyl couch at precisely the angle required to make getting up feel like a crime against physics. In the living room of Maisonette 4B, the founding members of the Lazy Club were in peak operational form. This meant they were doing absolutely nothing. Leo was draped across the armchair, his legs dangling over the side while staring at a fly on the ceiling. Marcus occupied the couch with a bag of crisp packets balanced precariously on his chest. Toby, the housemate who had technically initiated the club by refusing to unpack his moving boxes for<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":4346,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[64,13],"tags":[426,428],"class_list":["post-4345","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-experimental-prose","category-trails","tag-espresso-machine","tag-idleness"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/eurolit.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4345","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/eurolit.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/eurolit.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/eurolit.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/eurolit.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4345"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/eurolit.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4345\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4347,"href":"https:\/\/eurolit.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4345\/revisions\/4347"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/eurolit.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/4346"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/eurolit.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4345"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/eurolit.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4345"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/eurolit.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4345"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}