The lounge was blissfully quiet until the telephone\u2019s sudden ring pierced the silence. Dorothy Jameson set her needles aside, stepped across the rug and lifted the heavy receiver cup to her ear, speaking into the mouth-funnel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018Hello? Whom do I have the honour of addressing at this outrageous hour?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018Good evening, Madam!\u2019 a booming, artificially jovial voice crackled through the black wire. \u2018Am I speaking with the esteemed landlady of the house, Mrs Dorothy Jameson?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018Miss! It\u2019s Miss, but yes, you are indeed speaking with me. Who is this, and why are you shouting down the wire into my parlour?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018My name is Barnett Pinch, Madam, representing the Royal Continental Imperial Rubber & Carriage Supplies Limited. I am calling with an urgent, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity regarding your horse!\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dorothy frowned, adjusting her wire-rimmed spectacles.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018My horse? What about Archie?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018Madam, according to our meticulously kept ledgers, the extended warranty on your horse\u2019s shoes has expired!\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dorothy blinked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018His … what has expired?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018His horseshoe protection guarantee, Miss Jameson. Should your Archie encounter a sharp cobblestone, a rogue nail or an unusually aggressive pebble, you could be liable for dozens of shillings in hoof restoration! But for the paltry sum of two guineas today, our company will guarantee his hooves against all acts of God, gravel and mud!\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dorothy held the receiver away from her ear for a second, gazing at it in sheer disbelief. Then a small, mischievous smile crept across her face.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018Oh dear,\u2019 she said, letting her voice tremble with manufactured panic. \u2018Two guineas? But Mr Pinch, Archie is not a standard horse.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018He … he isn\u2019t?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018No, no. Archie is a mechanical brass horse powered by high-pressure steam and genuine Yorkshire coal. Does your horseshoe policy cover internal boiler explosions?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There was a long pause on the line, followed by the faint rustling of paper. \u2018A … steam horse, Madam?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018Extremely steam-powered,\u2019 Dorothy assured him earnestly. \u2018His hooves are forged from solid iron alloy. Will your rubber shoes melt when his ankles reach four hundred degrees Fahrenheit?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018I … well, our standard leather-lined iron shoes are quite durable, but…\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018Because the last time we fitted standard shoes, they liquefied instantly,\u2019 Dorothy interrupted, warming to her task. \u2018The fumes alone rendered three lamplighters unconscious. Now, tell me, Mr Pinch, does your insurance policy cover damage to municipal street lamps?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018Madam, I am selling equine shoe coverage, not municipal lamp protection,\u2019 Pinch said, his jovial tone slipping into exasperation. \u2018Perhaps we might discuss a basic maintenance package for his mane instead?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018His mane is made of spun glass, Mr Pinch! Do you have any idea how much special oil that requires? Hold the line, I must ask Archie his opinion.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018Wait, you are going to ask the…\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dorothy set the receiver down on the table, walked casually to the kitchen, poured herself a fresh cup of tea, took a small sip and walked back. She picked up the receiver again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018He says he prefers copper shoes, Mr Pinch. Do you stock copper?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018Miss Jameson,\u2019 Pinch gasped, his voice noticeably strained. \u2018We do not sell copper shoes for steam-powered glass horses! I am simply asking for a small two-guinea wire transfer via the local postal telegraph office!\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018A wire transfer?\u2019 Dorothy gasped in exaggerated horror. \u2018Through the telegraph? Oh, absolutely not! Don\u2019t you know the electric current will travel up the line, charge my candlestick telephone and turn my parlour curtains into ash?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018That is not how electricity works, Madam!\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018I read it in a pamphlet!\u2019 Dorothy insisted stubbornly. \u2018If you wish to collect your two guineas, you must send a messenger boy on a unicycle. But he must arrive between two and three o\u2019clock in the morning, and he must know the secret password.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018The … the secret password?\u2019 Pinch stammered.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018Yes. It is the-badger-sleeps-tonight<\/em><\/strong>. If he says anything else, I shall release the steam-horse upon him.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n A heavy, breathless silence filled the wire.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2018Goodnight, Miss Jameson,\u2019 Pinch whispered faintly, before a sharp click signalled the line had gone dead.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Dorothy placed the receiver neatly back on its hook, took another sip of tea and smiled while returning contentedly to her knitting.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The lounge was blissfully quiet until the telephone\u2019s sudden ring pierced the silence. Dorothy Jameson set her needles aside, stepped across the rug and lifted the heavy receiver cup to her ear, speaking into the mouth-funnel. \u2018Hello? Whom do I have the honour of addressing at this outrageous hour?\u2019 \u2018Good evening, Madam!\u2019 a booming, artificially jovial voice crackled through the black wire. \u2018Am I speaking with the esteemed landlady of the house, Mrs Dorothy Jameson?\u2019 \u2018Miss! It\u2019s Miss, but yes, you are indeed speaking with me. Who is this, and why are you shouting down the wire into my parlour?\u2019<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":4155,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[64,123,13],"tags":[304,307,306,305],"class_list":["post-4154","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-experimental-prose","category-picks","category-trails","tag-candlestick","tag-jameson","tag-scam","tag-telephone"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/eurolit.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4154","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/eurolit.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/eurolit.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/eurolit.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/eurolit.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4154"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/eurolit.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4154\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4156,"href":"https:\/\/eurolit.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4154\/revisions\/4156"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/eurolit.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/4155"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/eurolit.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4154"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/eurolit.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4154"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/eurolit.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4154"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}